You know when you haven’t done something for a long time and you want to get back into it, but you just don’t know how to start and really the only thing to do is jump in and GO?
Yeah, that’s where I’m at.
I have a million things running through my head as of late. A millions things that have come up for me as I’ve sat with others, as I’ve sat with myself and done soul work to get to the root of the problem question, why am i feeling so stagnant? It escalated while at Redfox retreats in England a month ago. I saw myself living the dream I had created for myself in so many ways, and it hit me like a ton of bricks as I sat there trying to hold back the tears realizing I had everything I always wanted at that moment, but it didn’t feel like I always thought it would. The disconnect between these two concepts was new to me. It never had occurred to me that you could reach a goal and you would feel anything but joyful, elated. There was of course some level of satisfaction, but it didn’t last and I am left unsatisfied still looking to find fulfillment.
I can’t say that I came home and figured it all out. Of course not, it never does work that way, does it? I came home and moved and a lot of what I was feeling got pushed aside, because let’s face it, I didn’t have time to wonder the reason. But now as the days are slowing a bit, and I can see more time creeping in, I’m again looking at where I’m at and what I need to do.
After reading Brene’ Brown’s The Art of Imperfections, the first conclusion I’ve come to is vulnerability. I hate being vulnerable. I don’t do vulnerable well. I’m not sure why either. I don’t feel like it’s because I fear what others think of me — that’s a battle I faced years ago. I truly feel I have let that go. No, it’s not about what others will think of me, but rather if they get inside, if they understand the workings of who I am deep down they won’t love me. I won’t be accepted.
In all honesty I have a very poor opinion of myself. I don’t know where it came from or where it started, but it has always been with me. I have never felt good enough, never felt worthy of being loved, never felt I had anything special to offer. It is, at it’s core, what haunts me and keeps me frozen. I know it’s what keeps me from living fully.
Back in 2012, if you remember, my blogging really began to slow down. Now there could have been several reason for that like social media, but at the time I was trying to be very true to how I felt and if I didn’t feel like blogging I wasn’t going to force it, and for some reason my words dried up. I had nothing to say. When I was asked to teach at SquamArtWorkshops, which by the way was huge for me, I was ecstatic, out of my mind thrilled, but I was terrified at the same time. It wasn’t that I didn’t think I could do it or I wasn’t ready — there was no question I could do it, there was no question I had the knowledge, but deep down I feared, will someone really want to learn from me? There was a lot of subconscious negative self talk of not being worthy. I didn’t realize at the time I was feeling that way, like I said, I was excited to be sharing what I loved, but deep down I was sabotaging my dream out of fear. But if your feelings of anxiety are intense and remain for more than 6 months and are interfering in your daily life, it means you have an anxiety disorder. tadalafil india price However, it generic cialis online unica-web.com is something you just will not like coming up. viagra sans prescription Dosage level varies as per the severity of a man’s erectile dysfunction, according to the researchers. The Chicago Blackhawks are continuing to try and improve erection, they conduct tests for confirming impotency, they make the patients understand what this medical condition tadalafil sales actually is and also discuss with them its real causes. Sometimes I think we are our own worst enemies, or at least I know I can be. Isn’t it easier to be self destructive than to stand up and fight for what you want?
It came to me just this morning as I let myself be real why I had pulled away, why I stopped blogging. I was afraid to speak my truth. I was afraid if I showed my vulnerability people wouldn’t want to take my class. I was afraid if I started looking I would discover I was a complete fraud. And so I had nothing to say. I always wondered why when I would sit down to write the words never came, but now I get it. Suddenly it all makes sense. Everything. The reason I stopped blogging, the reason my photography slowed down, the reason I started to isolate myself was because the only story that wanted to be told was the story I didn’t know how to tell.
I have been stuck all this time and I’ve had no idea until now the root — being vulnerable. When we share we are bonded together, we have a closeness that can’t be created any other way. Without vulnerability we are lost, bound, and hidden. We all have a story to tell and it’s ok that it’s not always roses and bright colors. It’s ok if scares us and weighs heavy on our hearts. It’s ok if it goes against the grain and we’re the odd one out. It’s ok if it’s not beautiful, it won’t always be, but it is ours, and it’s where we’re at. Share it. Be brave. Be bold. Be you (I’m saying to myself over and over). The people in our life that matter will love us regardless of what our story looks like.
I’m aware this discovery is only the beginning for me and I have a lot of work to do, but I am celebrating. Finally after all this time this new understanding brings clarity and with that clarity bring light, the same light (my word for 2013) that I have been chasing all year has finally come.
Thank you for listening to mine, or reading as the case maybe. 🙂
xoxo
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